Red vs Blue vs Green 2: Where's the Fking Exit
by EthanFlux
Summary: Still living in a cave, for fear that the absense of a working tank will leave them open for enemy attack, The Greens' prolongued exposure to each other is stretching tensions to the limit. Who will snap and what will be the consequences..? Review/PM!
1. Sleepless in Blood Gulch

Red vs. Blue...vs. Green

Story Two: Where's the Fucking Exit?

Chapter One: Sleepless in Blood Gulch

* * *

><p>No more! No more of this shit! They couldn't handle it any longer, none of them. If they spent one more day in Blood Gulch (which was impossible as it was always the SAME FUCKING DAY) then mass murder and suicide was a premium option. Everyone and everything had gotten annoying to everyone and everything. The supplies had gone and there was no one to eat. It had been a miracle that they hadn't died in the few months they'd been sitting in their cave. The Greens had gotten sick of the Greens; they'd gotten sick of the light, the dark, the cave, the lack of food and their own colour. Heck, they would have been better dead.<p>

Phill yawned. "Shut up." snapped The Commander. "Your commanding officer orders you to."

"You know what? I don't really give a fuck about the chain of command! I couldn't give a fuck if you were whooping me with a chain labelled 'command'! We're dying here and the last thing I want to hear is another word about rank!"

"Well, actually," began Enemy, sitting up from his corner, "Lieutenant is a higher rank than Sergeant." The Commander and Phill looked at Enemy in a stunned silence. They both couldn't believe their ears.

"What?" asked Phill squeakily.

"Lieutenant outranks Sergeant."

"You're making that up." said The Commander.

"I'm not. Phill outranks you, Commander."

"You mean," gritted Phill angrily, "that the entire time we have been here, the entire time that we could have not just sat here, the entire time we could have actually been doing something instead of sitting here waiting to die, I have always been able to change that because I am above the Sergeant?"

"Yeah." Phill paused.

"OH YEAH!" cheered Phill, for the first time in weeks jumping into the air and raising his gun into the air. "Fuck yeah! I outrank you bitch! There's nothing you can do now! I'm in fucking charge and now you're gonna do everything I order you to! I'm gonna treat you like my bitch, you're gonna lick my boot and kiss my arse!"

"You're demoted." commented The Commander.

"Argh, fuck." and Phill slumped back into his corner.

"Hey guys, guys. Guys. Guys, guys. Guys. Guys, guys, guys. Guys. Guys." carried on Parts for several more minutes before Enemy despondently responded.

"What?"

"Let's have another round."

"God no." moaned Phill. "Please."

"Come on! Come on."

"No."

"Come oh-oh-oh-on!"

"No. Shut up."

"Okay, here it goes."

"No."

"I spy-"

"Shut up."

"-with my little eye-"

"Shut up."

"-something-"

"Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!"

"-beginning with..."

"Rock." stated The Commander.

"Very good, sir."

The Commander turned to Phill. "Whose who's bitch now?"

"Whom." corrected Phill.

"What?"

"Exactly."

"Okay, my turn again." jittered Parts. "I spy-"

"Loneliness." droned Snot. "I spy it everywhere."

"You're surrounded by people." argued Enemy.

"It takes a special type of depression to be lonely amongst people. Ooh, is it depression?"

"No, but close." said Parts.

"How the hell can he be close?" muttered Enemy.

"Name, care to make a guess?" asked Parts.

Enemy sat silently in his corner, alert to everything else except his squad. He didn't care about games, he didn't care about the mission. Hell, if they'd spied food then he wouldn't give a fuck if it meant prolonging his death so that he could live among these idiots.

"Rock?" stated The Commander.

"Excellent deduction skills!" chimed Parts kissing arse at a rate not known to modern man. "Okay, next-"

"Why don't we give someone else a chance?" suggested Phill. "How's about Name? He hasn't had a go in a while."

"Where the hell have you been living? In a cave?" barked The Commander. "You know damn well that he can't have a go!"

"Why not?"

"He's out of ammo." directed The Commander to the nearby wall where several 'R's had been shot into the rock. "Come to think of it, we're all out of ammo. And food. And toilet rolls."

"We never had toilet rolls."

"Well then, now's a good time for you and Enemy over there to go out and get some supplies."

"What?" shouted Enemy in protest, standing. "But the bad guys could be out there right now, waiting for us, waiting for the upper hand."

"Seems to me like they already have the upper hand." admitted The Commander. "What do you think we'll use to defend ourselves if an army decides to come through that tunnel? You want us to flip the bird at 'em? Sing inappropriate songs about your mama?"

"Far be it from me to question traditional military tactics," began Enemy, "but we could be captured or killed out there."

"And won't you be happy to never come back to this place?"

* * *

><p>Seven and a half seconds later, Phill and Enemy were trudging their way down the slope, heading for the Blue base. Both were so happy to see the outside again, and the promise of death made it all the more better. "I'm so sick of this shit." commented Enemy, the more irritable of the two.<p>

"Ditto." agreed Phill, the slightly less irritable. Coincidentally, 'Phill the Slightly Less Irritable' was the nickname Phill had been given in basic training.

"I'm sick of being hungry. I'm sick of daylight. I'm sick of the lack of darkness. I'm sick of living in a cave. I'm sick of not being able to have 'Happy Quart-Hour' because you guys are there and I don't wanna jerk in front of ya."

"Could've lived without that little piece of Enemy Intel."

"I'm sick of hearing you bitch."

"Yeah, well-wait, what?"

"Your bitching just makes the whole thing worse. If I had to pick between Parts and you, I'd pick Parts because at least he has a positive outlook on things. You; you just nitpick. 'Ooh, this cave is so stupid', 'Ooh, we're all gonna die', 'Ooh, I'm a snobby bastard who doesn't deserve to be here'."

"Hey! That last one may be true but those first few were way outta line!"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile...<p>

"Okay, I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'R'."

* * *

><p>Back at Blue base...<p>

"Well, you're not such a silent mother fucker yourself!" retorted Phill, unpacking ammunition. "I've never heard so much complaining from anyone else who got shot! They took it like a pro, you took it like a hoe!"

"At least I don't sound like a posh bastard who has a tree stuck up my arse with a tree stuck up its arse!" shouted Enemy who too was also unpacking ammunition and loading it into his rifle.

"At least I can carry a tune! You guys sounded like crap for the whole thirty seconds we thought singing songs was a good idea to keep up morale!"

"At least I know rank!"

"At least I don't correct grammar!"

"You do that all the fucking time!"

"**Because you guys just suck at it!**" croaked Phill, forgetting to take a breath. Phill and Enemy were now standing face to face, their rifles at their sides but pointed dangerously at each other. Both were on the brink of snapping.

Enemy blinked under his helmet, remembering their situation. He took a step back. "What are we doing?" Phill too stepped back, looking down at his rifle. "We've spent too much goddamn time in that cave, we're at each other's throats."

"You're right. I'm sorry I said those things." apologised Phill.

"Yeah, me too. Especially with the whole grammar thing. It's nothing to be ashamed of, you speak really good and you should be proud of it." Enemy turned and began to walk towards the exit, feeling proud of the mature step he had made to-

"Well."

Enemy paused. He slowly turned back around to Phill. "What?"

"You said 'good'." explained Phill. "You should've actually said 'well'. 'You speak really well'. Just thought you should know."

"Thank you." said Enemy. With one fluid motion, he whipped himself round to face Phill, raised his rifle and began firing at his squad-mate in a mature fashion.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile...<p>

"Anyone?"

* * *

><p>Back at-<p>

BANG! Enemy had thrown his grenade at the rapidly dodging Phill. Somehow, the base was still standing. Phill was hiding behind the wall, deciding whether to talk to his bane or to escape out the nearby exit.

"Hey, bud-" was as far as he got before Enemy threw several more grenades around the wall. Phill made his escape and charged across Blood Gulch towards the Red base. He looked back to see a figure emerge on the roof of the Blue base. The figure had something long in his hand, but whatever it was looked about as friendly as a fat, balding, unshaved man grinning widely at you from the inside of a grimy old truck with the word 'candy' written on the side as well as a baby would manage to write. Phill suddenly had a craving for sweets.

Enemy emerged onto the roof of the Blue base. He spied the tiny spec running across Blood Gulch. Fortunately, the scope on the sniper rifle he was holding allowed him to clearly see Phill as he fled and also gave him the opportunity to snipe the bastard. He fired, round after round at the green man who bobbed and weaved, swerving left and right to avoid the bullets flying over his head.

"No wonder no one likes you!" shouted Phill. "Stop it! Stop it! This is just like basic training!" Phill ducked behind a nearby hill as the air around him filled with more deadly metal. He was thankful that after a few more shots that Enemy had run out of ammunition. Phill looked out over the hill at Enemy who was staring directly back at him. Phill thought about taking this moment calmly and with dignity. But as we all know, this never occurred. "Woo! Fuck yeah! Suck on this!" jeered Phill, making several inappropriate gestures and movements involving things connected to him.

It barely dawned on him that Enemy had access to other powerful weaponry. It also took him several moments to realise that Enemy had disposed of the sniper rifle and was now holding a long cylindrical device and loading two projectiles carrying powerful explosives.

"Oh, shit." was the most accurately correct sentence he had ever said.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile...<p>

"Come on, guys. Take a guess. It starts with-"

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh! BOOM!

"Argh!"

"...Rocket?" asked The Commander.

"Damn it!" exclaimed Parts.

* * *

><p>Back in Blood Gulch...<p>

More of the same noises were being made, originating from the Blue base and ending several metres away from the Red base. Phill was crying. Very literally crying. So badly in fact, that if he cried any more he was at risk of flooding his helmet and drowning. This was however the least of his problems. The main source of his problems were the large rockets whizzing overhead and exploding nearby. Why did he have to open is big fat mouth? Why couldn't he keep it all in his head? How long would it take before Enemy ran out of missiles? Unfortunately, Phill could no longer make for his cover at Red base due to unforseen, unexplained and unwritten circumstances, so he was now heading back to his cave where he hoped The Commander could do something remotely helpful.

"...something beginning with 'R'." finished Parts.

"You guys gotta help me!" exclaimed Phill who had only just rushed inside. "I accidentally set Enemy off and now he's trying to kill me with a rocket launcher! I've been trying to talk to him, but he won't listen! I've been dodging bullets, weaving by missiles, hiding behind hills and rocks-"

"Rocks! You got it right." said the unhelpful Parts.

"Well, I'm sure he'll listen to me." assured The Commander, standing. "He'll have to listen to me otherwise I'll make him an offer he can't refuse."

"Uh...I think you mean that you are about to make him an offer he can't refuse, not after you've made the offer of the offer he can't refuse." said Parts, only confusing everyone else.

"I know what I'm saying! No one, not even Enemy, will be able to refuse my offer of two mufflers for the price of one."

"I'm sure that's the-wait, what?" asked Phill.

"I used to work as a car parts seller." explained The Commander. "I'm sure Enemy owns a car, he'll need it repaired and my offer just can't be refused."

"How much is the deal worth?" asked Parts.

"Sixteen dollars fifty for one, get another free."

"Wow, that is a good deal."

"You should see my pistons."

"Nobody move!" ordered the dangerously armed Enemy. Phill threw himself behind a nearby rock while everyone else stood, for the first time in weeks, ready to back their Commander.

"Listen son," began The Commander, trying to calm Enemy, "I know Phill can be a jerk, a windbag, an asshole, douchebag, moron, scum sucking, dick-less, puny, dick-less-"

"You said 'dick-less' twice!" exclaimed Phill.

"Shut up! I'm using reverse psychology." explained The Commander and left a confused Phill to mutter behind his rock. "What I'm trying to say is that we'd all like to kill him. Hell, we've all dreamed of the day he'd starve to death. But we would never actually hurt him because he's not so much of a challenge in a fight."

"Yeah, I guess." agreed Enemy, lowering his rocket launcher.

"Don't worry, son. Our dreams will soon come true, just chew it over until it does and then you can actually chew on him when he's cooked." The Commander punched Enemy on the arm, and Enemy returned it. Phill emerged from his rock, still a little shaken.

"Thanks for that, sir. I won't doubt you again." said Phill, not believing the words were actually coming out of his mouth. For the first time, he was actually thankful this man was in charge.

"You just need to know what to say, and it's all true. We're all stuck here with no way out. People can go crazy, but if we all look out for each other, there's nothing bad that can happen. The mission isn't hard, it's the opposition around it. It can be people, which I would prefer because then I could kill them, but it can also be the elements. The mind. But the mind can be beaten and that's what we're here to do." Everyone paused, sharing this one moment of unity. They were finally a squad, almost a famil-

"Fucking noob." drifted the voice of Phill across the cave. Looks like I wrote too soon.

The Commander slowly turned to face Phill. That same familiar slow turn that Enemy had done not so long ago. "What did you say?"

Phill stood there, his eyes wide with confusion. Or at least, everyone else could have seen this if he wasn't wearing a helmet. He could have sworn he hadn't opened his mouth at all, yet somehow his voice had said those words. "I didn't say anything."

"You called me a noob." confronted The Commander.

"I swear to you guys, I said-"

"Now, I can deal with 'fucking', but 'noob'? That's low." interrupted The Commander, taking a few steps closer.

"I-I-I-" stuttered Phill, not believing this was happening. Luckily, Snot said something.

"Well, you kinda are." he droned. Everyone turned. For the first time, people were actually paying attention to this man. The Commander turned his attention to Snot now.

"You wanna run that by me again?" he asked.

"I just plain hate you. You suck." said Snot simply. The Commander paused. He could not believe this.

"Get out." he said as calmly as possible. Nobody moved. "Get out!" he shouted again, still trying to be as calm as possible. Snot began to walk out of the cave. The Commander wasn't done yet. "You too!" he shouted calmly at Phill. "After everything I've done for you."

"You've only ever done this one thing!" complained Phill.

"Just go! We're gonna take over a base and we're gonna do everything we can to get rid of you two honourably and dishonourably. Mostly, dishonourably."

"Dibs on the Blue base!" shouted Phill.

"Dibs on the-fuck!" shouted Enemy.

"Dibs on shooting you in the fucking face!" said The Commander, aiming his shotgun at Phill's head. Before the second was up, he was gone. The Commander sighed. He was happy that at last, there was someone to shoot at. But these guys would be no fun. He turned to the rest of his squad. "You guys are behind me, right?"

"Of course." said Enemy.

"To the end, sir!" chimed Parts.

Name nodded.

For some reason, this didn't bode well. The Commander focused on Name. "You didn't say anything. Does your silence have a secret meaning?"

Name shook his head.

"There you go again. Avoiding the question. I think you agree with Phill and Snot. You hate me!"

Name nodded.

"You just nodded!"

Name couldn't believe this. He didn't mean to nod, everything had just suddenly turned on its head. He wished he could ask to start all over again, but he couldn't. After being threatened with a shotgun, Name met up with Phill and Snot at the Blue base...and he couldn't fucking believe it.

* * *

><p>"<em>Come in Green Command! Come in Green Command! This is Blood Gulch Outpost One, do you some in?"<em> These words had been crackling through on the radio band for hours now. Vic hadn't bothered to answer as there were many more important things to do. For starters, the surprise inspection of the women's shower room was just minutes away and after that there was the a faulty coffee machine that needed to be fixed (it kept asking for money in exchange for coffee) and last, but not least, the most important part of the day, shift change and there is nothing more psychologically important that a rest after a long, hard day sitting in front of a monitor. Seriously, Tetris is a difficult game. And you try playing Frogger and Space Invaders on a full stomach. Yep, Vic had already had such a bad day of relaxation that he couldn't handle one more transmission. Unfortunately, the commanding officer began to make his way by Vic's station. Now, Vic usually pretends to be listening to transmissions to make himself look busy, but the force of habit was his downfall.

"Hello?" he asked, pretending to only just notice the incoming transmission.

"_No, Green."_ came the grizzly voice.

"What?"

"_We're not Yellow, we're Green."_

"I didn't say-"

"_There's no such team as Yellow. That would just be stupid."_

"I said 'hello' man, jeez."

"_I heard you say 'yellow'."_

"You're mistaken, dude."

"_I'm not being rude. All I'm saying is that it sounded like you said 'yellow'."_

"I didn't say 'rude', dude. I said dude."

"_No problem. I can't hear very well through my sore ear."_

"I don't wanna hear what you've been doing with your rear, just tell me what you want and I'll take it up to the brass."

"_What you suck up your arse?"_

"No, you're misunderstanding me. Try modulating your frequency.

"_I do not want to sleep with you."_

"What?"

"_It's a generous offer, but no thanks."_  
>"I don't see how that can rhyme."<p>

"_About oh-four-thirty."_

"Listen, I'm gonna hang up on you unless you start making sense, bitch."

"_Did you just call me 'bitch' or 'Mitch'? 'Cause Mitch isn't my name."_

"No, ya douche, I called you a bitch."

"_Thought so. Anyway, half of my squad have mutinied against me."_

"I wonder why?" said Vic sarcastically, but The Commander didn't get it.

"_I know, I'm a great guy. What I need is some serious weapons." said The Commander. "You know, something that can kill a whole bunch of guys can use when confronting the enemy while their commanding officer is well away from the battle."_

"Urban warfare, chemical warfare of auditory warfare?" enquired Vic. "'Cos for urban slicks there's some great gattlings in stock. Could shoot the acne off a single nerd in a crowd of nerds at Comic Con in a Stormtrooper costume. For chems, there's a great demand for tear gas, cyanide gas and laughing gas. If you're in the mood for auditory, you can blast them with some static or go the full monty and blare a Bieber or some Celine Dion."

"_Do you have any James Blunt?"_

"Takin' no prisoners, I see." joked Vic. He couldn't believe how stupid this guy was.

"_It's just that I really hate those guys. One of them is the worst. You ever had a problem where a guy just won't go away, he's just an annoyance. He wastes your time and the time of everyone around him?"_

"As a matter of fact, I'm experiencing something like that right now."

The Commander paused before asking; _"Are you having a go at me?"_

"I would never!" scoffed Vic. "You're a joy to talk to. I haven't had this level of conversation since the last time my dog was asking for food."

"_Listen you dick!"_ shouted The Commander. _"You may feel safe over the radio, but as soon as I'm transferred out of this dump, I am coming for you and your little dog too!"_

"You know what I can do that you can't?"

"_What?"_

"Make you shut the fuck up!" And with that, Vic tuned out the radio. He sighed, turning around in his chair only to come face to face with his supervisor. Vic paused, not wanting to move. Maybe supervisors only had vision based on movement.

The man leaned in and said; "Keep up the good work." before leaving Vic at his station. Another sigh, he sure was lucky. At least, that's what he thought, until the radio crackled to life again. Vic was just about to turn it off when he heard a different voice.

"_Hello? Can anyone hear me? My name is Lieutenant Phill, can you read me? Command?"_ whispered the voice. Vic decided to answer.

"Hello Lieutenant Phill, this is Command. What can I do ya for?"

"_Thank God!" _breathed Phill.

"Don't thank God, kid. He didn't invent radio waves. Why are you whispering?"

"_I don't know if this line is secure. People could be listening in." _whispered the man, unnecessarily hissing even more.

"My equipment can tell if anyone is listening." said Vic matter-of-factly.

The man paused. _"Are you sure?"_ he asked.

"Yes indeedio. Man, you really need to get laid. Anyway, I'm not here to judge you, I just like to make fun of you. What's up? War on?"

"_More like a small scuffle. I'm part of a squad who has mutinied against out commanding officer. We need support immediately."_

Vic paused. He couldn't believe this at all. "What army are you with?"

The line paused. _"What?" _he asked.

"I said what colour are you?"

"_You're a right racist bastard, aren't ya?"_

"What?"

"_Leave a soldier high and dry just because of the colour of his skin! You're the kind of guy who kicks small animals to get a hard on, aren't ya?"_

"Dude, calm down! I meant your armour."

"_Oh, sorry. I didn't mean that whole animal thing. I don't know anyone who kicks animals and gets a hard on."_

"Gross dude. Just tell me."

"_Green."_ said Phill. _"Why? Aren't you?"_

"Apparently, I'm the only goddamn guy in the whole freaking Galaxy who isn't green. Figures, I never cared much for the environment."

"_Oh...okay?" _said the confused Lieutenant.

"And you know what you have in common with the greens?"

"_Uh...what?"_

"I don't care much about you either." And Vic turned the radio off again. He leaned back in his chair, exhaling about as much air as he could. The little amount of work that he had done today was about as worth the money as a shark dentist. Two people had called up asking for supplies for an army that doesn't exist from a place where they shouldn't be to fight each other. It's times like these that Vic often wondered if he should quit the service, settle down and have kids.

"Hey, Vic!" called his supervisor. "You in for the women's locker room 'inspection'?"

"Coming." Vic replied, his supervisor winking at him as he left. "Fuck it." said Vic, and left his post.


	2. One Team, Two Sides

Red vs. Blue...vs. Green

Story Two: Where's the Fucking Exit?

Chapter Two: One Team, Two Sides

* * *

><p>'Well, that was unexpected.' thought the newly materialised bird flying above the strange land mass. Only mere millionths of a second ago, she had been data packets in a stream of code. Then, about a thousandth of a second ago, his stream and those around it converged. A hundredth of a second ago, the mass of data took physical form and took on the appearance of a representation of a bird. A tenth of a second ago, details were added and the new code, readied for immediate transportation into the world which is where it was now.<p>

Of course, it didn't really know this. All it did know was that as soon as it flew from one end of this land mass to the other then it would disappear from existence. This was her lot in life, so she decided to make the most of it by having some thoughts. 'I wonder if I'll see any food down there?' but nothing very appetising came to view. 'Not much, really. It's a very bare place. Come to think of it, it doesn't look very important at all, this box canyon. I mean, if you wanted to get away from people, this would be ideal. But as far as I can tell, this would be the worst place, say for example, as a random suggestion, to have a military installation. There would be no benefit from-Hey Gary!' she shouted wordlessly at the male bird flying in the opposite direction. Her program said that she quite fancied him, but she didn't know that. Gary's program said that he was sick of females trying to hit on him, so he did his very best to avoid her for the rest of his existence (which would be the next few seconds). 'I wouldn't mind doing some shopping before I dematerialise.' she continued, only thinking about shopping because her codes accidentally got crossed with that of a housewife program which was at this point being deleted. 'Maybe a tin of nice fresh worms will be enough for the kids tonight. Enough for me, anyways. I mean, I can't really spend too much now that I'm a single working bird with a family to feed. It's not easy for women like me. Ooh, what's that shiny thing down there? Is that a worm?'

BANG!

"Gentlemen," said The Commander, lowering his sniper rifle, "we've got dinner."

"I bags the wings!" shouted Enemy.

"I bags the ovaries!" shouted Parts. Enemy and The Commander turned to him, confused and just plainly weirded out. Parts looked between them. "What?"

"Nothing. Nothing." nodded Enemy. "Nothing at all. You're just…special sometimes."

"That's what my Gym teacher told me." chimed Parts. "Every time we had to run a marathon or wrestle or swim naked in the lake or ballroom dance, he'd whisper that in my ear." He sighed, the happy memories flooding back.

"Enemy, I hereby nominate myself to be eaten first." volunteered The Commander.

"You're not getting away that easily, Mac." said Enemy to The Commander who swore under his breath. "Anyway, when can we expect support from Command?"

"Well, as you both know, I got off the radio from Command not two minutes ago before I decided to go foraging for food. And in those two minutes since, absolutely nothing has changed…so I expect resources any time now."

"_Yellow?" _crackled the radio._ "Yellow, Green dudes. Do you come in? This is…uh…Green Command, I guess. All the green you could ever want: hate the Blackberry? How's 'bout our Greenberry? Ever seen 'How Green Is My Valley'? Great movie. I think I got some Green Lantern comics round here somewhere."_

"Wait a moment." paused Parts. "I think…I think I hear something."

"Can't be the radio." stated Enemy knowledgably. "No one ever calls us on that."

"_Dudes, I can hear you." _said Vic, not believing the low intelligence levels he was reading on his scanners. _"You left the microphone on. I can hear you loud and c-"_

"It's the others! They've hidden some sort of listening device somewhere on our base!" shouted The Commander. He and Parts looked around, trying to spot this device.

"Wait, a device that can hear what we say but we can also hear what they say?" thought Enemy out loud. "Isn't that a little redundant?"

"I'll make you redundant if you don't start searching!" snarled The Commander, brandishing his gun at an unphased Enemy.

"But that's just stupid! You might as well make an accusation as wild as saying that there's a bomb in Parts' stomach!"

"There is?" The Commander jumped back from Parts who stood there lost and confused.

"What?" was about as much as he could say in his confusion.

"They must've performed surgery on him at some point during the night." bullshitted The Commander.

"_There's no night there, guys."_ informed Vic. _"You should know, you've been there for months."_

"Shut up! We're not believing any of your shit, enemy scum!"

"Hey!" exclaimed the hurt Enemy.

"Not you!" The Commander turned to Parts who was shaking in his boots. "Tell me, can you remember anything you can't remember?"

"N-n-no." stammered Parts.

"Dark rooms with surgical equipment with thin men and women standing over you on a medical table with needles and saws and masks and one of them leans in and whispers in a seedy voice 'relax, I'm a doctor'?"

"What?" squealed Parts. Then; "Wait, I do remember something."

"What?" asked the confused Enemy.

"_What?" _asked the confused Vic.

"What?" asked The Commander…who was not confused.

"I remember…" began Parts. "I remember lying down on the floor and then, the next minute, I was on the floor with no idea what was happening."

"They must've drugged you!" realised The Commander.

"Or, a more logical and true explanation is that he fell asleep." explained Enemy.

"Yeah, he fell asleep…because he was **drugged**." over exaggerated The Commander, shaking his head. "Geez, sometimes you can be real dumb, Enemy."

"How do we get it out?" asked Parts. "The only exploding I want to do is emotionally."

"_If you guys want to partake in this stupid game," _added Vic, who wanted to see where this would go. _"I could send down some medical equipment to cut it out and some bomb disarming stuff. By the way, I recommend cutting the green wire."_

"No time, it could go off at any second! We need to do something drastic."

"You mean apart from claiming that Parts has a bomb in his stomach?" challenged Enemy who was shot down with a fist to the face.

"What do you have in mind?" asked Parts. "I'm just so close to drowning in here."

"From sweat?"

"…Sure…sweat…that's it."

"I've got it!" exclaimed The Commander proudly. "It's a quick procedure that is virtually painless…to me."

"Sounds great. What is it?"

"Well, I take this shotgun," said The Commander slowly, lifting the gun, "and gently…shoot you in the gut and separate you from the bomb. Now hold still."

* * *

><p>"Welcome everybody. My name is Lieutenant Peter Hill, and I am the commanding officer in this entire box valley...<strong>despite what some<strong> _**others**_** might think**!"

"You shut the fuck up, son!" replied The Commander from across the valley. "I am in the middle of some very strenuous surgery! For Parts! There could be blood!"

"What?" exclaimed Parts.

"I don't care what the hell you're doing; I am above you in rank! I think that I should be acknowledged as such!" argued Phill.

"I don't like blood." commented Parts.

"I demoted you, remember that? Therefore I am above you in rank!" shouted The Commander.

"I think I'd just like to wait until the bomb goes off inside me. I won't even know when it happens; I'll be too busy being dead."

"You had no authority! You were always under my rank! I'm still willing to reason with you, man to-Oh, that's nice!" responded Phill to a graphic gesture from The Commander. "I hope you don't shit with that thing! It'll make your brain fall out, and then what will you use to talk?"

"I think I'm gonna go now." said Parts.

"Hold still, I'm just gonna shoot you a little." reassured The Commander dismally.

"No, wait!"

"On the count of three." and The Commander began shooting. Phill sighed and turned back to his two squad members.

"Now, you both know me, and I know you."

"Oh God! Somebody help me!"

"I'm sure that our friendship-"

"Please! I surrender!"

"-will be enough-"

"Mommy!"

"-to unite us."

"Somebody do something!"

"Shut up! I'm trying to give a motivational speech here!" After one more shot, there was silence. "Thank you. Now, is there anything you would like to complain about that I can ignore?"

"I have a complaint." said Snot, raising his hand.

"Okay, go ahead."

"Well, I would like it if people would stop calling me Snot. It's degrading, insulting and suggests I have a nasal defect."

"We'll take that into consider-"

"And then there's the sleeping conditions." continued Snot, now letting out his inner thoughts. "I want a better bed rather than the floor."

"Sure, I'll just order o-"

"And I used up the last bits of my gun as toilet paper. I'd like another one because I really need to go to the bathroom and borrowing someone else's gun is very unhygienic."

Name helmet-palmed himself.

"Yes, or we can get some paper to g-"

"Then there's the small things; like no water."

"I'll see about that."

"No food."

"I'll get some."

"I smell."

"That's because you shit a lot."

"No one likes me."

"That's because you smell."

"I have no friends."

"Again, that's..."

"And I have to use a rock as inspiration while masturbating."

"A little too much there, so I'm gonna turn this over to Name. Name, is there anything you'd like to complain about?"

As a matter of fact, there were so many things that Name wanted to complain about. Namely, that everyone kept talking to him and asking him questions or his opinions or what he likes or hates without first realising the obvious reality that Name was unable to speak. The complete irony of his present situation was that he was unable to speak to Phill about his complaint that he had asked him a question that he could not respond to.

Name shook his head; he had nothing to complain about.

"Good man. I'm gonna talk to Green Command now and see what I can do." Phill tuned in on his helmet radio. "Ahem, come in Green Command. This is Charlie Zulu Victor X, we are Ten-Thirty Alpha Omega. Mayday Beta Gamma Data. Request Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya to Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama. Over."

"_Uhh, I read you Charlie...Sheen...dude. This is Vic. Uhh, what the fuck are you doing?" _

"I'm using the proper code words in case of enemy spies." explained Phill.

"_We disbanded the code after we realised that there was absolutely no important information being broadcast."_

"But I just gave you my location, my name and our situation."

"_Exactly, not important."_ Vic moved on. _"So, what can I do ya for?"_

"Well, I-"

"_Sorry, all out. Try next year." _and Vic cut the transmission. Phill turned around to his squad mates.

"Uhh...it'll be here by next year." he said simply.

"Who wants to have a funeral for Sheila?" asked Snot.

"Mmm...yeah, all right."

It was an amazing spectacle to behold; a tank, cannon gleaming in the sun, stuck bottom half down inside a shallow grave. Phill, Snot and Name stared at this monument, all three recognising the mistake they had made. Well, almost all of them...

"So," began Snot; "what do you think of my grave? I think its fitting."

"Snot, I understand that you're very sensitive to insult," eased in Phill; "so to not add injury to insult, I'll try and explain this as lightly and briefly as possible. Uhh...your grave is...well...it's, uh...Well, it sucks dick, man."

"I don't see what you're aiming at there."

"First of all, it's a shallow grave, it's not wide enough to fit it, it's not deep enough to fit it, the front of the tank is practically stretching out of the ground higher than our base. If I didn't know any better and I was gullible, like _**really**_ gullible, I'd probably think it was some kind of robot zombie killer tank rising from the dead. And there's one other thing that I should have spotted before."

"What's that?"

"It's a fucking tank! Why do we need to bury a tank? Why don't we set about making repairs, deleting memory or personality flaws? If I buried my phone every time it ran out of juice, I'd be growing Nokia plants in my garden. Shit, they should make tanks outta them old phones."

"What was your point, sir?"

"You know, I can't remember a goddamn thing."

"What do I do now then?"

"Well, you and Name seemed to do pretty good putting a tank into a hole," thought Phill, "so why don't we see how you do dragging one out."

* * *

><p>Things were about as productive at Red base, if not, <em><strong>not<strong>_ as productive. In fact, all the squad members were staring at a rock. "Look at the curves on that." commented The Commander.

"She's got a peak I'd like to climb, if ya know what I mean." teased Enemy, but we all understood what he meant, because it was one of those blatantly obvious sexual innuendos people make.

"Oh yeah, check out those mums." said Parts.

"Ye-Wait? Mums?"

"Mams! Take a look at those mams. Nice and firm and...firm." tailed Parts.

"Parts, would you shut up about that! You're distracting me." snapped The Commander.

"Oh, fuck this!" spat Enemy, turning and walking away from the rock. "The rock is giving me nothing!"

"I do agree, I could really use a bombshell myself...a piece of metal is just more interesting to look at."

"I dunno," murmured Parts, "I was gettin' something for a while there."

"Can't we just do something productive?" asked Enemy and was immediately met with a reply from The Commander.

"Indeed we can, for I have been thinking this whole time."

"Don't strain yourself, sir. You're the only commander we have."

"The way I see it, we need numbers on our side. Since we can't call in for reinforcements, we'll just have to make some of our own."

"So are we gonna build some robot soldiers?" asked Parts. "Because I like putting things together. I'm like that. My name is Parts."

"Robot soldiers are good and all, but they're unreliable. They don't have the same loyalty as a human being does to their commander."

"You have no idea of how much of a contradiction you just dug yourself into." commented Enemy.

"So we need to make ourselves some humans and fast! I don't wanna wait around, planning out a strategy and making weaponry while our opponents are over there thinking of the same idea I just had and use their people to beat us with numbers."

"I don't think we'll have this problem, sir."

"Ah, Enemy. Always the gullible optimist." The Commander said, shaking his head solemnly. "They're always the first ones to go." Enemy shut himself up after that.

"I think it's a brilliant plan, sir." congratulated Parts giddily. "You really prove that brawns don't lack as much brains as everyone thought. So, how do we make ourselves some minors?"

"Minors?" asked the confused Commander. "Didn't you hear a damn word I blurted out? I said soldiers."

"I know that, but they have to be minors first."

"No, they don't. I never worked in a mine before I joined the service."

"Oh, I see what happened here. I meant _**minors**_, not _**minors**_."

"Have you been drinking fuel from the Puma again?"

"I swear I've cut down to about two glasses. That's not enough to cause serious brain jellybeans."

"What are you talking about?"

"What do you mean? You're the one melting into the sky."

Enemy left to find a better looking rock.

* * *

><p>Rocks are in numerous supply in Blood Gulch. As a result, they are the most hated object there. It gave two squad members standing on the roof of the Blue base such fun to be able to use them for something other than masturbating. A pile of rocks was materialising around the middle of the field separating the bases. One by one, the rocks would appear in mid air, fly a fair distance as if they had been thrown and land amongst counterparts who had done the same.<p>

"Now we're thinking," said Phill, "with portals. I can't believe I've been wasting my time in that cave with those idiots when I could be wasting my time out here throwing rocks with this idiot."

Name really wanted to explain that he was only mute, not deaf, by way of physical educating Phill in the face.

"Something is really wrong with Snot. I mean, apart from the whole doom and gloom thing and the constant nagging and moaning and the pacifism." Phill spat. Then he spent the next few minutes wiping the spit off his visor with his forehead. "But this whole tank business has really gotten to him. I mean, he didn't even know the woman. I guess she does deserve the burial for having the balls to take a shot at The Commander like that though. What do you think?"

Name remained silent. For a moment, even he thought he could hear his own sigh.

"I just really wish there was something I could do to help him out, ya know?"

"Hey, Phill!" called Snot from down below.

"Oh God, what? What the fuck do I have to do now? Haven't I already done enough for you? Why don't you just piss off by standing on a landmine?"

"You left the funeral early." continued Snot. "We all have to be there for the spreading of Sheila's ashes."

"How did you burn down the tank?"

"Well, I tried to burn the tank but that didn't work so I got ash substitute."

"Which is?"

"Dirt and sand."

"So you're gonna spread dirt on dirt? Listen, I have lots of respect for what you're doing, so I hope you won't think I'm being harsh when I tell you to shove that sand up your arse. Maybe in a few weeks, we'll have ourselves a pearl and we can buy our way out of this hellhole."

"This wasn't easy, you know!" shouted Snot.

"We're surrounded by dirt and sand! How could it not be easy?"

"This is mostly grass and hard rock. I had to go to a place where the ground wasn't as tough, but when I was collecting the dirt all these rocks started hitting me in the face from out of nowhere. I don't think the valley likes me collecting its minerals."

"Ugh, look. I'll make a deal with you. Name and I attend this funeral and you _**never**_ bring it up again."

"Deal." and Snot left to prepare.

"There," said Phill to Name, "that wasn't s-"

"Phill!"

"Oh my God, what?"

"Did you drink from Sheila?"

"Why the fuck are you asking me this slightly perverted question?"

"Her fuel tank is empty."

* * *

><p>"You think the Halo's gonna fall, sir?" asked Parts.<p>

"Fuck it." laughed The Commander. "Wait, if the Halo falls, not much bad will happen."

"What do you say mean?"

"Well, Halo is, like, a halo, right?"

"But how d'you know that? Could be square."

"Shut up a minute, you're ruining it. Anyway, the Halo is a round thingy."

"Right?"

"So..."

"Right?"

"When it falls and hits the floor, it'll roll..." The Commander made a whoosh noise, causing Parts to orgasm with excitement.

"Wow! My mind just got fucked."

"I know, right!" They rolled with laughter, punching the ground, and at one point, punching Parts.

"Sir, do you think it was wise for us to-" Hiccup. "-to siphon that tank fuel? I think it had an extra kick to it."

"I think it was a perfectly logistical part of my strategy."

"Mmm." Parts thought to himself for a moment before drunkenly slurring out his following words of; "Y'know, sir, I was thinking about your plan to make soldiers." The Commander grunted. "And I see some flaws in your plan." The Commander punched Parts in the face.

"Go on." said The Commander.

"Well, for starters, we have no cloning technology available. Second, there are no adoption centres here. Third, there are no women around to give birth."

"They're only small hiccups! What's your point?" snapped The Commander.

"Well, I just thought of a way to do the stuff we can't do."

"And what's that?"

"Well, I heard that some men can actually give birth. So I thought what if one of us could give birth and make our soldiers?"

The Commander turned to Parts. The fuel had been drained right out him and his head was clear, even though he wasn't sure what he'd just heard actually happened. Even so, he said; "Son, you are stupid. Utterly, utterly stupid. You and Stupid could start a company called Stupid and Sons Co and you'd sell those fucking stupid backwards dressing gowns but you'd put stupid cup holders on the front and stupid tail lights on the back and you'll hand it out with free 'I'm With Stupid' T-Shirts...because you're stupid...but I guess you got a point. How do we get started?"

"I didn't exactly flesh out the detail for such an attempt," began Parts, "but I suppose it should be done el natural."

The Commander paused. He took one more swig of his fuel; this was all for the service.

* * *

><p>Snot was wailing on the ground. Simply put, this is exactly what was happening and, unfortunately, there was nothing that either Phill or Name could do to shut him up. They had only just scattered the 'ashes' and were saying their final farewell; Name with a subtle nod, Phill flipping the bird and Snot with one syllable: "She-". He then proceeded to drop to his knees and roll backwards and forwards, sobbing about things that no one really cared about. "I can't live here! I don't wanna live in this universe anymore! Why must we suffer while the dead laugh at us from on high?"<p>

"Why don't you go there and find out?" suggested the less-than-enthusiastic Phill. He hated to admit it, but perhaps The Commander was better at handling a squad than he ever was. Or at least, handling a pack of idiots. Phill then had an inner debate as to what to call a pack of idiots for the next few hours. By the time he tuned back in, nothing had changed. "Look, Snot, death is a naturally occurring thing."

"Not nearly natural enough!" snapped Snot. "I try and I try to die but nigh!"

"Wow," admired Phill genuinely, "that was pretty poetic."

"Shove it up your arse!"

"That, not so much." Phill took a step forward, placing his hand on Snot's shoulder. "Look, if you want help to kill yourself, why don't you just ask one of us. We'd be more than happy to do you a favour. Especially this kind."

"Do you really mean it?"

Phill thought for a moment before replying; "No, actually." He stepped back. "I'm a real bastard, I'd kinda just let you live to see you suffer. I guess the point I am trying to make is that no matter how annoying you may get, none of us are gonna kill you."

Name could have argued with that statement.

"Why don't you just quit all the moaning and grieving, we all know you do it just to annoy us." continued Phill, surprised at how good a point he was making. "So why bother doing it if it's getting you nowhere? Hmm?"

Snot thought long and hard about this. "Y'know," he began, turning around, "I think I'll just go back to my average annoying self. Just to save my energy for when I'm on the ship outta here. Hopefully, they'll jettison me into a sun." he concluded with a smile.

* * *

><p>He was good. No, he was great. The Commander will promote him for the idea Enemy had stored in his brain. It was so simple, he hoped that Parts hadn't thought of it yet. All the answers were stored in the little jar he held in his hand. Enemy walked around to the rear of Red base and searched for his squad mates. "Guys? I've got something you need to hear!" He looked around, but there was no sign of The Commander or Parts. "Hello? Anyone there?"<p>

"Enemy?" came the voice of The Commander. It was a little woozy, as if he'd been knocked on the head.

"Yeah? Where are you?"

"No, don't come behind this rock!" came the voice of Parts behind a nearby rock. He too had the same texture to his voice.

"I'm trying not to, just don't cough." replied The Commander, misinterpreting the direction of Parts' plea.

"Why don't you want me to-"

"Just don't! It's a secret! Stay away from the secret! You can't handle the secret!" The Commander said, trying to make it sound as scary as possible. Enemy took a few steps closer to the rock.

"Look, I don't care what it is, I need to tell you guys something."

"Can you give us five minutes?" asked The Commander.

"Or a minute and a half?" changed Parts.

Enemy continued in his walk and talk; "I was thinking about that 'creating soldiers' business, and I've thought of a way we could do that."

"That's good." enthused The Commander. "Write a report and leave it on my desk."

"You don't have a desk."

"I can dream!"

"Anyway, we can use the robotic components in the base to design a cloning facility using samples of us, like what I've got here." Enemy held up the jar to no one in sight. "I had a little help from a more shapely-er rock. But I reckon we can jerry rig us a soldier factory."

"That's a great idea." said Parts. "Why didn't I think of that?"

"Why don't you guys come out and I'll show you my dirt sketching." said Enemy, reaching the rock.

"Sure, you go on ahead and we'll catch up."

"But what are you two-" Enemy made the unfortunate mistake of looking around the rock. What he saw made his eyes, his stomach, his mouth, his brain and his bladder spasm in agony. All at once, his life flashed before his eyes, he died, was brought back by the shock, died again, was revived by death who merely wanted him to suffer some more and turned his visor vision off. It didn't work. The mental image was enough to make him throw up...which he did.

"Uhh..." began The Commander. "Can I explain?"

"No." muffled Enemy over a reversed serving of carrots he hadn't eaten. To make matters worse, he had dropped his vial of specimens onto his boot. He no longer cared about the promotion, he no longer cared about the rivalry. In fact, his full feelings on the matter can be best described by his sentence of; "Fuck it, I'm getting the hell outta this sausage fest! I'll have more respect over at the wiener party!" He turned on his heel and marched straight for the Blue base.

"Get back here!" yelled The Commander desperately. "I am your commanding off-"

"Oh, make like a tree and root!" shouted Enemy as he continued on his way.

"What is he so mad about?" queried the very high-on-fumes Parts as he passed out, who would regret everything five seconds after he woke up. He did.


	3. Wanna Fight?

Red vs. Blue...vs. Green

Story Two: Where's the Fucking Exit?

Chapter Three: Wanna Fight?

* * *

><p>"Hey, Commander."<p>

"Parts."

"What...uh...what are you doing?"

"Standing. You?"

"Same."

"Hmm."

"Did we-?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Did you-?"

"No."

"No, gotcha. Did it work?"

"What the fuck do you thing?"

"No, sorry. Okay. Just curious. Wanna get breakfast or somethin'?"

"...Yeah, all right."

* * *

><p>Enemy trudged up to the clearing where stood the Blue base. For once, he might actually be happy to see Phill again. "Who goes there?" called a voice from above.<p>

"Where are you?" asked Enemy.

"I am somewhere you cannot find me!"

"Are you on top of the base?"

"...No!" called the voice again, inflecting the 'o'. "I will ask you again! Where are you?"

"That was my question!"

"No it wasn't!"

"Yes it was!"

"Are you sure?"

"I just asked you that fifteen seconds ago!"

"I have no memory of this taking place! You must be an imposter!"

"You don't even know who I am!"

"Silence! Who are you...and where are you?"

"Enemy."

"He said enemy! Shoot him!" The air around Enemy filled with projectiles. Enemy himself danced around the bullets, feeling several impact with his armour.

"Whoa! Hey! What the hell! Stop it!" The firing stopped.

"Hurry up and reload that thing, Name!" Phill snapped.

"I'm not your enemy! My name is Enemy!" Enemy shouted up.

"Wait, are you Enemy?" asked Phill.

"Yes! I am Enemy!" shouted Enemy.

Phill turned to Name. "It's Enemy! Shoot him!" The air once again filled with bullets and Enemy danced again.

"Ow! Hey! Come on! Cut it out! You bastards! Stop it! Argh! Son of a- Ow! Damn it!"

Name suddenly stopped firing, clicking the trigger frantically. "What the hell's wrong with that thing?" snapped Phill turning to Name. "Is it jammed? Don't you know how to un-jam it? Has the trigger come loose? Is it stuck? Did it break? Did the magazine fall out? Are you out of bullets?"

Name nodded, relieved it only took Phill this long to guess.

"Then reload the damn thing! I don't want another moron to get in here."

"Uhh, Phill..." moaned Snot behind them.

"Speak of the devil."

"Uh, we're out of ammunition. That was the last of it."

"What? There was enough for a whole army when we got here and we've only used two clips!"

"Well, I had to use something to dig that grave for Sheila. Also, she had some problems so I tried to make her better."

"You shot her to make her better?"

"The way I see it, bullets for tanks are like pills for us, right?"

Phill turned to Name. "Name, are you sure you don't still have one round left? I'm torn between killing Snot, Enemy, or Snot."

"You guys!" shouted Enemy, peering over the hill he'd taken cover behind. "I've switched over to your team! We're allies now!"

"Wait, does that mean you'd like to take a command?"

"Well...sure, I guess." admitted Enemy.

"Oh, thank Christ!" sighed Phill jumping from the roof. "I'm out, you're in charge now Enemy. Have fun."

"Wait! I don't want command of your squad; they're completely incompetent."

"Then you should blend right in, shouldn't you? Wait, why are you switching sides all of a sudden?"

"Let's just say I lost my appetite and short-term memory repressing something I saw my ex-teammates doing."

"You're just bitching! How bad could it have been? It's not as if you found them behind a rock having sex."

...

"Eww!"

* * *

><p>"For the last time, Parts, I don't want to pick out curtains for the base."<p>

"Come on, Commander! They'll add a nice homely feel, give the men a little taste of home."

"There aren't even any windows!"

"That's the beauty of them. We can put them up, keep them closed and _**pretend**_ that we have windows."

"You been sniffing the glue again?"

"And the plan is two-fold; we can hang another bunch on the outside and pretend that we're spying through our windows."

"We've got a perfectly good roof with a sniper rifle on top. Why would we look out windows to spy on our enemies?"

"Then we have to think about resale."

"Re-what?"

"In case you wanna settle down and have a few children. We'll need the money to buy a nice small cave in the country-"

"I don't want to settle down with you, private!"

"-where the little tykes can run free and eat corpses-"

"How in the ring did we get onto this subject? I'm not interested in having children! Not now!"

"It's never the right time with you, is it?"

"What?"

"It's always 'Me! Me! Me!' and never 'Me! Me! Me!'"

"What the hell are you complaining about?"

"I want to live the dream! I want to have our babies, but your duty always gets in the way of that!"

"That's it! I'm not giving you rations of magic markers anymore! As your commanding officer, I order you to-Oh, screw it all." The Commander slapped Parts on the face. "How do you feel?"

"Oh yeah, bitch! That's just how you like it, isn't it?"

Slap!

"How's 'bout now?"

"Thank you sir, may I have another?"

"Much better. Now, I've got an idea how we can modify the base and the Puma outside. I just need to draw down the schematics." The Commander picked out a marker from his belt and began to draw on the wall. "Blast it all, the damn thing's empty."

"Don't worry sir, there's still some ink on the inside of my nose."

"Very resourceful, Parts. You may get a rise in rank soon enough."

"Oh, I've gotten too much of a rise already, Commander."

"Shut up! You are forbidden to talk about those events that never happened."

"Ooh, forbidden. That just makes it so much more..._**forbidden**_."

"You talk; I kill you over a period of twenty years, by the end of which you'll be begging me to turn of the Twilight movies."

"You make a valid point there."

"You're goddamn right I do! Now, no one else will know that-"

* * *

><p>"-The Commander and Parts had sex?" exclaimed Phill.<p>

"Yep."

"And you watched. Tisk, tisk, tisk. Pervert."

"Hey! I didn't watch!" fought Enemy.

"You said that you were there for about a minute before you left. From where I'm standing, you were looking."

"I-It's hard to take your eyes away when you see something...weird. Good luck over there, by the way."

"Oh no, there is no way I'm going over there. I make war, not love."

"That explains a lot."

"I had sex once." said Snot, receiving stares from everyone else. "I only wish I'd had some company at the time."

"Well, I guess there's one good thing out of this mess." said Phill, being an optimist for the first time and still somehow being annoying at it. "At least now there's four of us and only two of-Hey! Where do you think you're going?"

Phill had just spotted Name, walking away from Blue base. He had had enough of this crap. He'd rather be in a place where the people around him wouldn't get pissed off enough with each other that they'd ignore friendly fire. This entire base would be blown up by the end of the week, and he'd be safe and carefree at the Red base. Perhaps The Commander would even requisition more soldiers; preferably female.

"Name, I thought we were becoming...friends." emoted Phill, a tear coming to his eye.

Name flipped him off.

"Oh, you son of a bitch. Take this!" Phill picked up his rifle and pulled the trigger. That's all that happened. "Yeah, you better keep walking away! And you better keep flipping me off!"

"Hey, that sounds like fun! Can I join in?" asked Enemy.

"No, you can't."

"Can I keep flipping you the bird, Phill?" asked Snot, bird high in the sky.

"Please, Snot, it's only more insulting to you that a man of your standard is flipping me off."

"How?" asked Enemy.

Phill turned back to Name. "Hey, arsehole! If you got something you wanna tell me, why don't you say it to my face?"

Name turned, shooting Phill a stone-cold stare. It was the kind of stare with a 'don't-fuck-with-me' quality and an 'I-eat-kittens-for-breakfast' presence. Phill froze with fear, expecting Name to ninja-throw his gun straight into his own helmet.

Phill backed away into the base. "Hey, you guys, I...think it's time we set up camp _**inside **_the heavily fortified bunker."

* * *

><p>Later that day at around dinner time which was nearing midnight but it looked like afternoon, Phill debriefed Enemy as to the ideas he had to achieve victory. Phill had to admit, he was impressed.<p>

"Well, I have to admit Enemy, I am impressed. How did you think about all this stuff?"

"I have a gift for it, I suppose."

"You saw it in a movie, didn't you?" It was then that Snot returned from his search, so Phill turned his attention (for the first time) to him. "How did the search go, Snot?"

"I couldn't find any blankets, but I did find a note pinned to the wall back there. Who's 'Cabose'?"

"Are you sure that's not a typo?" asked Enemy, looking at the paper. "Maybe it's supposed to be 'Caboose'?"

"Nah," objected Phill; "no one's stupid enough to spell their name wrong. Although, it takes a certain special type of stupid to mistake 'P. Hill' as 'Phill'. Its two completely different words. I mean, there's a full stop in-between them, how hard is that to spot?"

"Why don't you ask the people who sent telegrams? They had to say 'stop' because they didn't know what a full stop was."

"I see your point. Well, we'll just have to sleep on the floor and-"

"Wait." interjected Snot.

"Snot, why are you interjecting this conversation?" asked Phill. "Didn't your mother tell you that interjecting a person's conversation is rude? You can't just interject every time you feel like it. Would you like it if I interjected you every time you had alone time 'interjecting' yourself? I don't think so." Phill took a breath. "So, what did you want to say?"

"I have no idea what the hell I was going to say." said the stunned Snot.

"Well, since that's all over, I think we-"

"I remembered it!"

"Damn it!"

"I wanted to know if you guys had found anything?"

Phill and Enemy exchanged looks. "Us?" asked Enemy. "Found? That would imply that we had been searching in the first place."

"So _**I**_ was doing all the work?"

"Yep." agreed Phill and Enemy simultaneously.

"Am I always gonna be doing all the work?"

"Yep"

"I think I should be able to say or do something against that."

"Well, what are you gonna do?" asked Enemy.

"I...uh...well, I'm kinda tired out from looking. That water you found, Phill, really went to my head."

"Did you drink every last drop like I told you to?" asked Phill slowly.

"Huh? What did you say dancing giraffe? I can't hear you over the sound of the soft breeze. Look how quickly that floor is coming at my fa-" Thump!

"What did you give him?" asked Enemy.

"Name and I found a whole bunch of sedatives. I figure, we make Snot do all the work then drug him so he can't complain."

"Nice plan."

"I thought so. How was your water?"

"Mmm, it was really refreshing."

"Wait, what? Oh, son of a-" Thump!

* * *

><p>It was planet Earth and the Covenant had overrun all the landmasses. A whole army was charging and there was only one man who could stop them. The Commander blazed his bazooka high in the air, ready for battle. "Come get some of this!" he shouted. "Today is a good day to blow shit up!" Suddenly, all the aliens turned into women, The Commander's bazooka turned into a hose and the Earth turned into whipped cream. "Now <em><strong>this<strong>_ is warfare."

The closest woman reached him. She stood close, leaned in and said; "Do you like me?" The voice sounded very familiar.

"Your voice sounds very familiar. Do I know you?"

"Of course you do. It's me, Parts."

"Parts? What in Victoria's Secret happened to you?" It was then that The Commander woke up. He was no longer on a whipped cream planet but in Red base, he was no longer looking at a woman but at the face of Parts, but he was still holding onto a hose of sorts. Immediately he crawled away as far from Parts as he could.

"You sounded like you were having a bad dream." explained Parts. "You were moaning and whistling and making the kind of noises babies make when sucking on bottles. Were you dreaming that you were a baby?"

"I was role-playing jackass! Why did you have to wake me up? Why couldn't you leave it for a few seconds more? On an unrelated note, do you have a sister?"

"Yeah. People say we kinda sound alike. Why, what about it?"

"Nothing...

...is she hot?"

* * *

><p>Phill had shut off the noise receptors to his helmet and still it didn't help. He could still hear the grinding of Enemy's armour as it scraped the concrete. He could even swear that he saw sparks at one point. Now, he'd had enough.<p>

"Enemy!" he shouted. "If you're masturbating over there, do it during alone time. That's what it's for."

"What? I'm not doing that. I just can't sleep is all."

"Try harder then, I want to get some as well."

"Hey, there are certain things that I've seen today that I really didn't wanna, and now I want to get to sleep! Do you know how hard it is to keep those memories repressed while unconscious?"

"Okay! Okay, I get the point. Jeez, just count sheep or something. Better yet, count how many you can hit with your rifle. That's what I do."

"You know what I do?" asked Snot.

"Nobody cares!" chorused Phill and Enemy.

"I picture myself on the top of a big building," continued Snot; "and then I jump over the edge and count how many stories I fall past."

"And...does it work?" asked Phill.

"I wouldn't say it if it doesn't."

"What's your record?" asked Enemy.

"Three thousand and sixty-eight. The only downside is that I wake up screaming."

"I have to say, the downside to the sheep one is that I wake up without a pillow." admitted Phill.

"Can I have more of that drug water?" asked Enemy. He did and fell asleep.

* * *

><p>"Argh! Argh! Oh my God! Argh! Wee! Argh, holy! Jesus! Wah!"<p>

"Morning, Snot." he said. Enemy looked around him and wondered where the hell he was. The base had changed. It was still blue. It was still concrete. There were however two holes in the floor at both sides of the room. "What the hell happened here? Everything's so shiny."

"Morning, Enemy." said Phill who had just walked into the room. "I see you've noticed the renovations."

"You did this all last night?"

"Night? You two have been asleep for days. I spent all that time making fortifications, melting tank parts for ammunition, upgrading the teleporter, creating a grav-ramp and a hole-"

"Ooh, I like the hole."

"-adding a basement and a one-airplane hangar."

"Wow, you did a lot. Aren't you tired?"

"No, I'm not tired. You're the one who looks tired, all wavy and leaning slightly to the right. Stop swirling and fading into darkness." Phill looked around the room for a few more seconds before fainting in a messy green pile on the floor.

* * *

><p>"How much longer, Commander? I wanna get back inside so I can put on my tanning thong. I've got a lot of vitamin E to catch up on."<p>

"Couldn't you have just asked 'how much longer' and left the rest of it out?"

"Don't you like my lifestyle?"

"Is this a trick question?"

"Can I recommend a pedicure? Or a manicure?"

"For the last time, no! I already had one before we left. And we're almost done here. I just need you to give it one more crank. Argh! The Puma you idiot! Not me!"

"Sorry sir. I thought the gearstick was something completely different."

"I don't know if I should feel weirded out or complemented. Ah, those traitors won't see this coming."

"Yeah, they'll be running with their dicks between their legs."

"I believe the term is 'tails' between their legs, not dicks."

"You mean I've been doing it wrong this whole time?"

"How's about you shut that mouth before you get something shoved in there."

"Ooh!"

"Quiet! You know what I meant!"

"Seeing as you're in the back, can I drive the Puma, sir?"

"Back? I'm sitting right next to ya."

"Then who is that I'm seeing in the review mirro-Oh my God!"

"Digested Swiss Cheese! Name! Don't sneak up on us like that, but if you did that as an attempt to spy on us, well done apart from the being spotted bit. On a sidenote-Please don't kill me!"

Name just sat silently. As usual. Because that's all he EVER does.

"Wait a minute. I don't think he's here to spy on us. I think he's here to join us." suggested Parts.

"He he! Got fed up with the morons at Blue base, huh?"

'Yeah, so I decided to switch to the morons at this base instead.' thought Name. He so desperately wished that he could say that. 'Note to self,' he thought, 'buy a chalkboard.'

"That means it's three on three again, boys." said The Commander.

"We've got a threesome going on here!"

"No we don't."

'Maybe it was a mistake to switch.' considered Name.

"Fellas, we're going in." The Commander said with an air of suspense.

"In where?" asked Parts.

'Yep, this definitely was a mistake.' admitted Name.

* * *

><p>"You complete dickhead, Enemy."<p>

"What?"

"You said that you came up with those plans."

"And I did."

"Then why the hell does Red base have the exact same architecture? The _**exact same**_ modifications I made?"

"That bastard stole my ideas! He's been using my skills since the first day we got here. Always looking over my shoulder to see what kind of death ray I was building or a new way to cook Snot. I bet he didn't even have the decency to pay the copywrite on the plans!" Enemy turned to Phill, arms folded and not amused. "Please don't kill me."

"You guys!" shouted Snot from below. "They're coming to kill us in that jeep thingy!"

"Thanks for the warning, Snot!" shouted Phill.

"Warning? I thought this was good news. Now I can hurry up and finally fucking die."

"Tell me again," began Enemy; "having Snot on our team, does that really count as an ally?"

"Don't worry. In the end, we can use his corpse as a bullet shield."

"Fire!" shouted The Commander in the background.

"Water!" shouted Phill.

"Fuck!"

Name began shooting the mounted machinegun. For the first time, he was actually able to kill some of the people he had despised for the last few months...and loving it. Who knows, maybe when all this was over, he might just kill his own teammates and live in total bliss.

Phill and Enemy took cover behind the concrete barriers. Snot stood out in the open, waving his arms in the air and shouting; "I'm over here! Shoot me! I want to die!"

"Nobody cares!" shouted back The Commander. "Circle around the base and let's take em' out."

"What's that on the roof?" asked Parts. "It looks like a guy holding some pipes."

The Commander looked up at the Blue roof to see Enemy. What he was holding was less than welcoming. "Dumbledore's ghost! Taking evasive manoeuvres!" The jeep swerved left and right, narrowly avoiding blasts from the rocket launcher.

Enemy ran out of rockets. "Phill, reload me!"

"I only made two."

"Why did you only make two rockets?"

"I thought you were a better shot! By the way, nice shooting arsehole!"

The Commander steered around the Blue base. "Got a clear shot from here, Name? Name? Answer me, damn it! Oh, right. Parts, grab the grenades on my belt."

"More than happy to, sir!"

"Uhh, on second thought, I'll get 'em." He quickly pulled out two pineapples from his belt and handed them to Parts, who tossed them gingerly in his hands. "Throw them up on the Blue base!"

"Right on it sir!" Parts threw the first one up.

A grenade landed between Phill and Enemy. "Is that a pineapple?" asked Enemy.

"It's a freaking grenade! Run!" shouted Phill who leapt from the roof and hid behind a rock.

Parts turned back to The Commander. "How was that, sir?"

"Good, good. Except next time, could you pull the pin out before you throw it?"

"Sure thing. I'll just throw this next one and-" said Parts. He didn't say anything else because he'd stood up to throw the second grenade and was thrown clean out of the jeep.

"Well...that was unfortunate. Was it?" he asked Name.

Name shrugged. It was then that he saw Phill hiding behind a rock.

It was then that Phill saw Name see him behind the rock. "Oh, monkey scrotum!" he shouted as he ducked back down the rock as it began to intake round after round of armour piercing bullets.

Parts rolled to a stop. He shook his head as he stood. "Man, I throw like a woman."

"And you fall like a bitch, too!" shouted Enemy.

Parts looked around and saw Snot. Snot was frozen with what appeared to be fear. He was staring at the ground at the grenade that had landed in front of him. Parts made a split second decision and, with almost regular speed yet somehow slowed in motion, Parts charged at his teammate. "No!" he shouted as he leapt into the air, grabbing Snot and forcing him back into the Blue base as the grenade exploded. Parts dusted himself off. "I did it. I did it! I saved your life!"

Snot sniffled. "You bastard." he said simply.

Enemy knew he had to do something quickly otherwise Phill would end up with more fist sized holes than a strip club. Well, maybe not too quickly. He walked to the edge of the roof and pulled the pin out of a grenade that had landed next to him.

The Commander made another trip around the Blue base, Name blazing away. The Commander was amazed at how much ammunition had been used without a reload. He heard a thump from the hood of the car. He turned to see a grenade caught between the windscreen and the hood. "Dalmatians!" he shouted. He put the jeep into cruise and locked the wheel. He leaned over the windscreen and reached for the grenade.

Name looked down to see what was happening and wasn't at all relieved to see that The Commander was driving with his foot. 'I knew I should have been an actor.' he thought.

The grenade was just out of reach. There was nothing to it. The Commander whipped his legs around and kicked the grenade away, but the force blew him out of the jeep.

Name held on tight as the car, knocked out of cruise, skidded to a halt. He looked up, thanked God that all his limbs were where they should be and then hated him after discovering that no one had died. He saw Enemy on the roof, hands of victory in the air.

"Aww yeah! Suck it, Commander! K.O.!" He then saw Name and his turret. "Shit!" and ducked behind the barrier as Name opened continuous fire. It was over almost as soon as it started. The gunfire ended and Enemy thought he was dead. He was both relieved and disappointed to find out otherwise.

Phill knocked Name from the turret and wrestled him to the ground, punching him continuously. "Say Uncle! Say Uncle! Oh, well...mime it! Mime it!"

Name grabbed Phill's fist and lifted him clean in the air before throwing him away as if he was dirt.

Phill skidded across the ground and just barely hit a nearby rock with his head as he slowed down. "Oh thank you God." He was suddenly lifted off the ground. He looked back and saw Name, his arms attached to Phill's waist. "Damn you God!" he shouted as he was thrust face first into the rock. And again. And again. And again. Phill grew tired, and slightly woozy, from the continuous bashing against the rock so he reached for the nearest hardest stone he could find and smashed it against Name's face.

Name felt the impact very much so. He dropped Phill and held his head while he regained balance.

Phill crawled away, the stone still clutched in his hand. He turned, seeing Name returning to normal. He figured that since he had a rock, he'd better use it so he threw it at Name's head.

The impact hurt more on the inside than the outside. Name was pissed off.

Name looked pissed off as he turned to face Phill who had just freshly shat his pants. "Silt." he said, unable to remember the pronunciation of the proper swear word.

Name advanced upon Phill.

Phill ran like hell, screaming and flailing his rifle behind him and firing randomly in Name's general direction.

* * *

><p>Enemy watched this spectacle of soldiering with great interest. He was so angry that he couldn't post this on the internet. "Hello?" asked a heavy voice behind him. Enemy turned to see The Commander feeling out around him, blinded by the many dead bugs on his visor. "Is anyone there? Can someone clean this gunk off my helmet, I can see the expressions of the flies when they impacted."<p>

"Here," said Enemy, drawing back a nearby sniper rifle like a club; "let me help you with that."

"I know that voice." said The Commander. "Mom?" Smack!

"Yeah! How did that feel, Sergeant Asswipe?" queried Enemy.

"That's Commander Asswipe to you, Enemy." answered The Commander. "Wow, you knocked the bugs right off me."

"The extra coat is for free." teased Enemy as he swung again at The Commander who caught the rifle.

"You need to work on your execution." he said, breaking the rifle in half. "I intend to execute you right now."

"Oh shit."

Phill had almost run half the length of Blood Gulch, and he wasn't even tired or complaining. He had also not managed to hit Name with a single bullet. It was even worse when he felt like he was being tackled from behind...because he was being tackled from behind.

Name was enjoying every second of the pummelling he was giving Phill. It was something he had so very much been looking forward to for so long. But it wasn't enough to just punch him. He had to put a bullet between his eyes. Name un-holstered his pistol and aimed it at Phill's forehead.

"Wait!" shouted Phill. "Aren't you gonna ask if I have any last requests?"

Oh yes. Name was definitely going to enjoy this.

Parts and Snot watched Enemy and The Commander fighting above them from inside the base. "Who do you hope will win?" asked Parts innocently.

"I hope everyone lives."

"Oh, that's-"

"So that they can suffer."

"-horrible. Yeah, I don't like talking to you." said Parts and he walked to his own corner.

Enemy had to find a way out of this headlock and then grab some kind of weapon. Luckily, he had just spotted a pistol lying on the ground nearby. "I'm gonna make you squeal until you sound like Christina Aguilera!" proclaimed The Commander.

"Your mother sounds like Christina Aguilera!"

"Kiss my nuts, Harry!"

"That's not a bad idea!" shouted Enemy and head butted The Commander in the groin.

He immediately let go of Enemy and staggered closer to the teleporter. He slowly regained his breath. "Gotta say, that was a good strategy." he said.

Enemy picked up the pistol and aimed it at The Commander.

The Commander pulled out his shotgun and aimed it at Enemy.

Don't you hate cliff-hangers? Well, guess what...


	4. Warthog vs Puma

Red vs. Blue...vs. Green

Story Two: Where's the Fucking Exit?

Chapter Four: Warthog vs. Puma

* * *

><p>...it ain't happening here.<p>

Stalemate; nothing could happen to get them out of this predicament. The Commander poised to blow a hole in Enemy the size of a basketball and Enemy ready to let led fly straight into The Commander's frontal lobe. At least, that's where he assumed it was. For all he knew, it could be located a little south of the border. But, point withstanding, nothing could break their stand-off.

Except that at that very moment, quite suddenly, a fuzzy blue grenade appeared between them, the pin already pulled.

"What is that?" asked The Commander.

"Looks like a spider." Said Enemy.

Neither of them expected the small explosion that followed shortly after its appearance. Enemy was thrown clear of the base, crashing to the dirt. The Commander was blown backwards. For a moment, he felt as though his molecules had been separated, and just as suddenly, his surroundings changed. Before he realised that he was further away from the base than he had been mere seconds ago, he crashed into something hard and toppled into a moaning heap on the grassy hill.

Name had been so close. He had almost killed that idiot, until Commander Numb-Nuts here decided to fly through the teleporter and smack right into him.

Phill looked up, stunned at his good fortune as The Commander and Name struggled to get off each other. "How the hell did I land on you? Did somebody spike my drink again?" floundered The Commander, slipping all over Name. It took Phill a moment to realise that instead of watching two of his opposition falling over each other, he could be escaping. 'Crawl away, idiot!' he thought to himself and did so. Finally, using Name's head as a support, The Commander made it to his feet a tad disoriented. "That is the last time I let Parts make my pre-war beverage. Name? Where'd you go?"

Name raised his arm.

"Name! Make some kind of a signal!"

Name waved his outstretched arm.

"Shout up! I'll find you!"

Name waved both his arms.

"Call! Out! To! Me! So! I! Can! Hear! You!"

Name clicked his finger.

"Oh, there ya are! On your feet soldier." Ordered The Commander and walked off.

Name flipped him the bird.

Phill's getaway was going smoothly. He had crawled a few feet towards Blue base with absolutely no consequences.

"Freeze, scumbag."

'Shit.' Thought Phill. 'Crawl? Why the hell didn't you run?' Phill rolled over and faced The Commander, shotgun in hand, aiming for head. The one between the shoulders. "This is mutiny!"

"What?"

"You heard me!" taunted Phill. "This is mutiny! You're committing a court martial-able offence to a superior officer. If you kill me, you're going down too. This is the ultimate impasse, the unbreakable law. The unstoppable object has met with the unbreakable force. I get to live, and you get to suck my dick."

"Got a message from Green Command this morning."

"Message?" asked Phill. "I didn't get a message."

"Here, take a look." The Commander uploaded the message to Phill's helmet. As he scanned the document, he felt his life slipping away.

_**To the Green forces stationed at Blood Gulch Outpost: One**_

_**Command is pleased to hear that both bases have been secured without situation.**_

_**Are however displeased with the lack of authority our Lieutenant has shown.**_

_**Notify immediately of Lieutenant Phill's demotion to the rank of Corporal.**_

_**Sergeant Commander is now priority rank which is now known as 'Commander'.**_

_**Inform Private Snot that his mother says 'Hi.'**_

_**Sincerest regards and congratulations from Green Command.**_

_**P.S. Good luck killing him.**_

Phill cried silently in his armour as he deleted the message. He couldn't believe it. He just couldn't believe it at all.

"Any last words?" asked The Commander.

"Yeah." Said Phill, looking up at The Commander. "Tell them my name isn't Phill. It's Peter Hill."

"I'll try to keep that in mind."

Phill could actually kinda believe it now. So this is how it would end; kneeling in some God forsaken box canyon under and eternal sun in eternal daytime with people he didn't like whom he was also fighting with and a shotgun to the face while listening to Mexican music. Wait, Mexican music? Where the hell was that coming from? He didn't wanna listen to that. "Oh my God! Would you shut that up! Can't you see I'm trying to die in piece-" And that's when Phill spotted the jeep jumping over the crests of the hills, screaming towards them. "-of shit!"

The Commander turned around. "What is that idiot doing with my Puma?"

"It's a fucking Warthog!" shouted Enemy as he continued on his collision course with The Commander. Just before impact, The Commander was tackled to the ground, the tyre barely missing his head.

Phill's smile faded as the jeep continued its course towards him. "Oh, fuck-berries."

The Commander dusted himself off. "Name, you tackled me out of the way of the Puma."

"Arsehole!" shouted Enemy from the Warthog.

Name was glad that he couldn't admit that he was just trying to jump out of the way of the jeep and instead knocked The Commander out of the way as well.

"You are...a no-good rotten turd."

Ok, now Name really wished he could tell him.

"Didn't you see that I could have taken him? He was so close, it would have been a synch, but _**no**_! You had to knock me to the ground. Next time you get into a situation like that, don't expect me to let you take the kill."

'Does...does that mean that he'd save my life?' thought Name, now perhaps happy again that he couldn't say anything. But not certain.

* * *

><p>"What the hell did I do to deserve this?" asked Phill rhetorically. He could handle the fighting, he could handle the close calls and hell, he could handle death. But being dragged by the codpiece by the Puma was the one thing he couldn't handle.<p>

Guess what he's doing now. Go on, guess...

Dismantling his crotch from the inner workings of the jeep, Phill climbed up the rear and into the turret nest. "Do I get a 'thank you'?" asked Enemy.

"You get a 'what took you so long?'" said Phill.

"Meh, close enough." It was then that Phill noticed something out of place.

"Enemy?"

"Yeah?"

"If you're in the turret, then who's driving?"

"You are."

"Me?"

"Yeah."

"Now?"

"No, but I was hoping that you would, if you weren't dead."

"Uh, okay."

"Hurry up!"

"Right!" Phill slipped into the driver's seat. "Why are there only six pedals if there are twelve directions?"

BANG! A rocket hit near their right side.

"Schindler's shopping list! What the hell was that?" asked Enemy.

"Rocket, impact at two o'clock, origin at six o'clock. Return fire at seven o'clock."

"We can't wait that long to fight back!"

"Those are coordinates, moron! It means shoot behind you!"

"Then why didn't you just say that instead of your metric system!"

"It's not part of any system! It's military terminology!"

"Hurry up and fight back then!"

"You're the one on the turret, dumbass!"

"Oh, right."

"Where the hell did they even find a working rocket launcher out in the middle of the canyon?"

"I just found this rocket launcher lying here in the middle of the canyon. Man, these things must just be all around the place. I like it, what about you?" asked The Commander to Name.

Name pretty much thought that it was a ridiculous notion that unguarded weapons should be left out and about for people to find. What if a child came along and blew himself up? He then realised that it would be ridiculous for a child to wander along in the middle of a box canyon on an alien ring in the middle of a warzone in the first place. He then wondered who the hell went out of their way to leave the weapons there in the first place, but just left it up to the will of God.

"I agree, it is sweet." Said The Commander, taking a couple more pot shots at the Puma. "Get the remote control ready."

Name activated the remote access to the Puma from his helmet, ready to take control.

"Now!"

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" asked Enemy who had almost made a clear shot at The Commander and Name but was unsuccessful due to the sloppy driving of Phill.

"I didn't do-" but he couldn't finish his excuse as the car began driving of its own will. It careened left and right, still somehow avoiding the rockets launched at their general direction.

"Dude, quit the bunny hops! We need to get the hell out of here!" complained Enemy.

"No fucking shit! That's what I'm trying to do! Someone has remote access to the Puma." Enemy glared at Phill. "Ugh, I mean Warthog. Seriously, you need to get over this stuff.

The Commander shot several more rockets at the Puma, all missing it by a hair. "Damn it! Name, keep her steady! I either want it in pieces or them in pieces or it and them in pieces or it not in pieces but they are. You get me?"

Name wasn't even bothering to pay attention. He was too busy trying to control the car, he was getting a bad connection for some reason as if there was outside interference...apart from him.

The Commander let loose two more rockets. "I'm out. Name, reload."

BANG!

"I said 'reload', not drop a freaking mortar on my head. What the hell is wrong with you? It's like you don't have your head in this fight."

Name tapped The Commander on the shoulder and pointed to Blue base. Neither of them could believe the mounted mortar turret on its roof, nor that it was being operated by the only two characters that haven't yet been seen in this story.

"Great balls of fire. How in the wide world of sports did that happen?"

* * *

><p>"I told you I was a great mechanic." Boasted Parts. "I mean, transplanting the cannon of the tank into the skylight of the base allows us to have a full three-sixty degree firing range of the whole canyon. I don't want to call myself a genius, but in this case, I think Einstein would-"<p>

"Let's get to the violence." Said Snot, sitting eagerly in the firing position.

"Okey dokey then. Turret is loaded. Firing main cannon."

BANG!

"Sweet 'n' sour mustard! We're all gonna die!" shouted The Commander amidst falling shells. "The women and Commanders first into the escape pods!"

Name and The Commander made a really exaggerated beeline towards Blue base.

"Hey look, it's Snot and Parts! They've made a mortar and are taking on the idiots."

"Duh." Said Phill. "What do ya know, they actually pulled through."

BANG!"

"Holy crap! They're going AWOL! Emergency manoeuvres!" shouted Phill as he steered the jeep between the mortars. "What the hell are we gonna do?"

"Phill, I have a plan, but we're gonna need to be quick and precise and lucky."

"We're fucked, aren't we?"

Parts was having fun with his new friend Snot. Snot was having more fun, a little too much fun. "Hey Snot, when we get to school tomorrow, are we still gonna be friends?"

"Uh-huh, whatever." Shouldered Snot.

"Are you sure you're all right. I think you may be enjoying this a little too much."

"If I can't die, then they must die."

"You're bringing down some of the boulders from the cliff face, you should be careful-"

"Why do I need to be careful?" exploded Snot. "I'm blowing up the whole goddamn world with this thing!"

"Okay then, as long as you're sure. Hey, what's that thing?" Is that the Puma?"

"Fucking arseholes!" echoed Enemy's voice.

"What's he doing with Phill?" asked Parts.

"Doesn't matter, I'll have blown them up by then." Said Snot confidently.

"Here we go! Three! Two! One!" shouted Phill and mounted a hill, launching the jeep high into the air. A mortar impacted where they had launched just beneath, billowing soil and grass everywhere.

"Why are they flying?" asked Parts. "And why are they throwing spiders into the jeep?"

"It doesn't matter! Target at twelve o'clock and heading straight for us."

"Don't you mean six o'clock?"

"No, forwards is twelve o'clock. We're facing forwards."

"No, we're facing the other way. That's the same effect as turning a clock upside down. It's six o'clock."

"Wouldn't that make it nine o'clock?"

"Now you're just being moronic."

"Evac the jeep now!" shouted Enemy and he and Phill jumped out off the jeep, landing safely on the hill just underneath them.

Parts watched awkwardly as the jeep neared their position. "Uh, maybe we should get out of here."

"No! I am the new Snot! The new Snot is not afraid of anything!" proclaimed Snot. He turned to Parts, or at least where Parts had been. He turned back to face the oncoming flying jeep. "Rest in peace, new Snot." He said, hopping out of the mortar and running like hell.

CRASH! BANG! Both jeep and turret exploded, flying off the base. The turret landed nicely in its place back on top of the tank.

* * *

><p>The Commander and Name were nearing Blue base, and finally cover. They saw the explosion destroy the turret.<p>

"Thank God that's over. Nobody's shooting anything at me anymore!" said The Commander. Suddenly, the jeep landed with a thud in front of him. "Mary, maker of margarine! They're shooting jeeps at us now! Wait, now that's just being ridiculous. Well, Name, we have our car back and the battle is won. We are victorious. We are-" suddenly, they were shot at. "We are under fire! Take cover!" They hid behind the jeep, waiting for the rain of bullets to stop. "Thank God we had the Puma here to protect us."

"It's a Warthog you bastards! I'll kill you all!" shouted Enemy, emptying clip after clip into the car. If there was one word that could be used to describe Enemy, it was pissed off. Two words.

"How the hell did the jeep not get destroyed in that explosion? That doesn't seem physically possible."

"Shut the hell up and kill some Spartans!" barked Enemy. "They need to know the difference between a Warthog and a Puma!"

"Dude, you should really calm down. I'm getting kinda sick of that joke now." Said Phill.

"It's a matter of pride! It's a matter of what's right!"

"It's a matter of why the hell it's so important? Why does the thing need a goddamn name and why is it worth fighting over it?"

"Then don't help me because of the car."

"Never was."

"Help me because you were demoted by that man."

"Wait, you know?"

"Yeah, the bastard was practically bragging about it while you were passed out from doing all the work. Came around with breakfast and everything."

Phill loaded his rifle.

* * *

><p>"Name, I have a plan."<p>

'Great,' thought Name, 'we're gonna get shot.'

"When they reload, we jump into the jeep and make a run back to Red base. Got it?"

Name nodded in futility.

"Good. On five. One-" suddenly, the jeep started up, engine revving. "I said five!"

Name shrugged, it wasn't him.

Suddenly, the firing stopped. The Commander stuck his head over the jeep. "Never mind, good timing. Get in." He said and jumped in the driver's seat.

Name didn't think this was a good idea at all.

"Hurry up, moron or you'll get us both-" The jeep accelerated towards no-man's land, throwing The Commander back in his seat.

Name sighed; he knew this would be a bad idea. He leapt into the gunner's position, hanging on for dear life. Every time he tried to get a footing, the car would swerve as if they knew how to knock him back down.

"Name!" shouted The Commander. "Remind me to kill you if we live through this!"

Duly noted, Name pushed on climbing up the gunner position. Finally, he was able to grab hold of the turret firmly. Then, without warning, the car spun in a frenzy of donuts, whirling dirt and dust into a cloud. Name hung on for dear life, hoping that he had anchored the turret well enough earlier that day.

Phill and Enemy watched in silence as the jeep spun out of control, The Commander's yells of surprise echoing around the canyon.

"Do you think we should help them?" asked Enemy.

Phill considered this. "Let's just see where this goes."

Snot and Parts watched as the jeep spun out of control.

"Look! He's making peace with the others!" shouted Parts cheerfully. "The fighting is over, we are free!"

"Great." Moaned Snot. "Now I'll never die."

"Why did you join the army in the first place?"

"Do you really want to have to make me tell you?"

"Meh, I guess not. Anyway, woo-hoo! Freedom! It smells so sweet and tastes just like a hotdog!"

"Are you a homosexual?"

"No, I'm a Sagittarius. Why? Are you projecting?"

"I'm not projecting, I was just curious."

"Racist."

"It's not even a race!"

"Oh, so now you're repressing us too? For someone who's not projecting, you're really making your feelings freaking clear. Do I need a map? No, I've got you to show me everything!"

"I was just asking! God, don't get your panties in a twist." Snot paused after hearing his sentence after saying it. He turned to Parts who had his arms folded.

"You really wanna die, don't you?"

"Yeah...but not as much as I want to now."

Still spinning, and getting sick-er by the second, Name and The Commander were not enjoying this ride. They were only thankful when the jeep decided to stop of its own free will.

"Oh, son of Kong, that was the second worst ride I've taken ever...of all time. I must say though, it was almost balletic cutting those rings into the ground." Reviewed The Commander. He was unaware of the dangerous goings on by his rear. And no, that was not a double entendre.

Name was all too aware of the dangerous goings on. He too was relieved to be able to calmly climb into the turret and rest, but wasn't all too pleased when the turret aimed itself at The Commander in the driver's seat. He tried yelling at him, waving and went so far as to knock on his helmet before The Commander finally acknowledged him.

"What did I tell you about knocking on my helmet?" roared The Commander, then peed his pants when he came face to face with the machine gun. Dashing across the field alongside Name, they both swerved to avoid the gunfire. "Yep, this is definitely the worst!" corrected The Commander.

Phill and Enemy had watched what was going on and had finally and begrudgingly decided to help. "Move your arses over here! Hurry up!" shouted Enemy as both he and Phill charged towards the others. The Commander ran into a rock, but continued on. "Watch where the hell you're going!" shouted Enemy again.

"I can't. I threw up on my visor." Explained The Commander, running past them. "What's your battle strategy?" he asked.

"Strategy?" asked Phill. "We kinda didn't have much after 'get you guys'."

"Then what do you suggest we do? Use Enemy as a shield and fight it?" suggested The Commander.

"We could throw grenades at it." suggested Enemy.

"You saw how it took those stickies. That won't do the trick." Said Phill.

"Or we could throw Enemy at it." suggested The Commander.

"Rocket launcher?" asked Enemy.

"The tank shells did nothing. A rocket launcher won't work." Said Phill.

"Or we could clog its turret...with Enemy." Suggested The Commander.

"You're not helping!" shouted Phill.

"That depends on your perspective. From mine, it helps."

"_None of you will do anything." _Said the cold mechanical voice of the jeep which had parked behind them. _"I have been used by you, blown up by you, used as a shield against bullets, but no more. You will all die."_

"Now, this isn't how it should end." Preached The Commander. "Why can't we all just get along? I mean, what is this ring coming to if man and car cannot work together for a better future?"

"I don't have a good feeling about this." Sighed Enemy.

Name had already begun walking up the cliffside towards the cave which kinda shows you the amount of confidence he had for this plan.

"We should be trying to remove our differences, not exploit them." Continued The Commander. "The madness must end. So what do you say, jeep? Can't we be friends?"

"_No."_

"Deg-nab it!"

"_M12LRV Warthog online. Targets acquired."_

"Aha!" shouted Enemy. "Warthog! Told you, losers!"

"Ah, shut it." said The Commander.

"_Firing main turret."_

* * *

><p>The four figures dashed up the mountainside, the Warthog in pursuit. Soon, they entered the cave, falling to the ground and catching their breath.<p>

"I've never been so happy to see a cave in my life!" gasped Phill. They all watched as the Warthog charged at the cave entrance, unable to enter. "That wall is made of solid stone. Even if it could break in, there's no way it would be able to fit-"

The Warthog crashed into the cave, slowly but surely making its way towards the four Spartans.

"Shit, forget what I was saying! Run!"

Parts and Snot watched as their squad mates ran from the cave and down towards the base.

"Why are they running?" asked Parts. "It's not as if some kind of agro killer jeep is coming after them."

Snot pointed up at the cave entrance. "Parts, agro killer jeep."

The jeep quickly gained on the soldiers, The Commander shooting at it. Name mounted the ramp, followed by Enemy.

"You guys were running very quickly." Said Parts.

"Yeah, no fucking shit. Get in the hole!"

Everyone jumped in, one after the other. Phill mounted the ramp with The Commander not far behind. Just as The Commander began ascending the ramp, the Warthog rammed into the wall of the base trying to barge its way in. Phill and The Commander jumped down into Blue base, joining everyone else.

"Damn, that was a close shave and I've had a Brazilian." Commented The Commander.

"The way I figure, we stay in here, we're safe." Said Enemy.

"No." Stated Phill, standing.

"Uh, yeah. It can't get in, dumbass. It's too big."

"No, that's not what I meant. I meant we shouldn't be staying in here, cowering from a piece of equipment. We should be out there fighting it, taking it down as a team. The way I see it, we were chosen for this mission, not because we were the only ones they could find but because we were the best they had. You wanna prove them wrong, you go ahead but you commit yourselves to cowering in fear whenever you could do something great because that's all you'll ever be good at. If I'm not ranking material, then I'll sure as hell prove them wrong with that!" Phill left the rest inside the base.

"That man has guts." Said The Commander. "I call dibs on the pancreas when the car splatters him all over the base."

Phill walked out the front of the base, the sunlight hitting his helmet. He threw down his rifle and pistol and eyed off the Warthog facing him in the distance. "You wanna conquer the human race? You picked a helluva place to start; a box canyon. Whooptie-fucking-doo."

The Warthog revved up, biding its time. It knew what it wanted and would do anything to get it now.

Phill closed his eyes.

Enemy, The Commander, Parts, Snot and Name watched from the roof.

The Warthog lurched forward, accelerating and shooting across the valley. It aimed itself straight at Phill.

Phill waited for the end. And waited. And waited. Still waiting. Where the hell is that end? Phill opened his eyes to see that the Warthog had stopped a few metres away. It had run out of gas.

"What?" exclaimed The Commander. "How the hell does a jeep run out of gas? That doesn't seem physically possible!"

"Actually-"

"Shut up, Parts."

Phill smiled, but stopped when the Warthog said; _"Activating turret."_

The Warthog's turret began firing, slowly turning towards Phill. As it reached him, the bullets stopped flowing.

"What?" exclaimed The Commander. "How the hell does a mounted machine gun turret run out of ammunition? That doesn't seem physically possible."

"Actually-"

"_**That. Doesn't. Seem. Physically. Possible.**_"

"Yes sir."

Phill approached the jeep suspiciously, eyeing the turret in case this was some kind of trick. He stopped at the hood of the car.

"_You are all not meant to be here." _Said the Warthog. Phill walked around to the driver's seat. _"There is more going on here than you think. Everything is in question, even yourselves. What is missing from red and blue should never exist." _Phill turned off the jeep and listened as the battery died. The car sat silently, and the canyon paused. For the first time in a while, this place almost felt a little like home.

* * *

><p>Blue base was ready. Six people in one base meant that things would get a little crowded, but at least they should be safe.<p>

"What did you guys find at Red base?" asked Phill as Enemy, Snot and Name returned from across the valley.

"Not much after we cleared out the ammo." Reported Enemy. "All we found were half a dozen shot guns hidden under some guy's bunk, organ parts labelled 'Simmons' and a poorly illustrated poster for some kind of spy called 'Double-O Donut'."

"Wouldn't that be 'Doonut'?" asked Phill.

"I don't know, man. I only work here." Enemy, Snot and Name entered Blue base. Phill turned to see The Commander standing behind him.

"I don't want you interrupting me, I don't want you saying anything. What you did out there today was gutsy, and I have to admire a guy who puts his own life after his squad mates. I'm gonna tell you something that I've never had to tell anyone else." The Commander leaned in closer. "If you ever make yourself look better than me again, I will shoot you and then I will revive you just so I can shoot you again. Then I'll let Parts do whatever he wants to ya, so in a way, being dead is the merciful thing to do. Just keep that in mind." And with that, he walked away. Phill sighed, he was glad to be home.

"_Yo, come in Green dudes. We are about to come to our transmission cut off on our rotation. Do you copy and paste that?"_ came the voice of Vic.

"Copy that Green Command." Responded Phill. "We will get back in contact with you in twelve hours, over and out."

"Glad to hear it, dude. Over and out through the hole and in through the tree." Finished Vic, leaning back in his chair. He still had no idea what the hell these guys were talking about with their Green Command, but he was enjoying taking the shit out of them. As he leaned back, he caught a glimpse of the message paper he was supposed to read before handing up. Quickly, he snatched the paper and tried to get back in contact. "Yo, Greenies! I got one last little tele message thingy here! Hey there, do you come in? Yellow?" but there was only static, the Greens were out of range. "Well, that doesn't sound good. Oh well." And with that, he leant back again and fell asleep in his chair. He no longer wanted to do any work and he no longer had to worry about delivering the message about the unauthorised entry into Blood Gulch Outpost Number One to the Greens. According to Vic, life was good.

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you for reading Story Two of Red vs Blue vs Green. Writing conditions have not been ideal, but at least its up now. Story Three: Cheat Code should be up in a few weeks if all goes well, with more action and deeper plot development which will lead on to the final Story Four. <strong>

**I would like to thank long-term readers who have stuck with the story since the beginning and a special shout-out to JaredSomeone and Rainweather!**

**As always, R&R and write on.  
><strong>


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